Things overheard at The Dollar Store

It is a packing day for me, to get things off shelves or out of drawers, and into boxes or containers for moving.    I am going a bit wacky.   Fortunately I have some nice cd’s to play to motivate me, such as “Traveling Light” by various Christian artists.   This is reminding me to thin down my stuff as I pack, for the trash or a charity give-a-way.

My sense of humor is needed, too.   I recalled a little routine I wrote in my head about a trip to the local dollar store.   It was of the funny things you could overhear there.

Things Overheard at The Dollar Store

How much is this item?

Is this jewelry real?

Do you have any special sales today–like 50% off?

Do these slippers come in any other colors than these ones in dirty mustard yellow or diluted pink carnation?

May I pay for these two items in all pennies?

Is this thing really only just a dollar?

How old do you think this Zebra cake is?  Do you sell Moon Pies here, too?

Can I pay for this American Bald Eagle pot holder by check?

Do you carry any nice perfume or cologne in this store?

Where is the electronics section?

Where is the clothing section?

How much does this glassware cost?

Do you take American Express or travelers checks here?

WalMart has a better selection than here.

What’s the difference between Family Dollar, The Dollar Store, Dollar Hero, Just A Dollar, The Dollar Tree, and the Dollar General?

How much is this can of deluxe festive chili?

Trinity Challenge :)

A Trinity Joke
At the interfaith center, it wasn’t always easy for the various religious groups to share the same space.  Once, the Catholics wanted an earlier Saturday vigil Mass time for worship on one late Saturday afternoon, but the Jews wanted to use the same worship space for extended Sabbath prayer to sundown that same day.  

To settle who would get the worship space for the day, the community center leader asked the priest and rabbi leaders to have a short, friendly debate, and he’d decide the winner, who would then get the interfaith center for the extra time.  Both Only one faith community The Catholic pastor decided that he and the Rabbi could have a little debate contest on the priest and rabbi agreed. The Jewish rabbi agreed that the priest could pick any matter to debate, even on the subject of the Holy Trinity.   The priest agreed likewise. So the priest chose to have them debate on the existence of the Holy Trinity.   

So the interfaith community center leader hosted the public friendly exchange, and told them:  Let’s add a condition:  No words can be used in this debate, only gestures. I won’t ask questions, either. You just make non- verbal motions to each other.  I will give you 5 minutes. Begin.
So the priest and rabbi shook hands on it.   It all became quiet. The arbiter said:  Father Pat, you go first. Rabbi Benji, you go second in response to him.
Both nodded.  Pat and Benji sat opposite each other for a half-minute before the priest raised his hand and showed three fingers.   Rabbi Benji looked back at him and raised one finger.
Then a pause.
Then the priest waved his fingers in a circle around his head.   Benji shrugged at first, but then pointed to the ground where he sat.
So, then, Pat pointed to a tri-leafed shamrock in the room.   Benji quickly pointed to a rose, also in the room.
Then Fr. Pat opened up his travel case and showed a large wafer host and a small bottle of altar wine in it.  Benji then pulled out an apple from his windbreaker pocket.
Fr. Pat stood up and spoke, I give up. This man of God is too good. The Jews can have the worship center extra on Saturday, we’ll move our vigil Mass back an hour or so later on the date in question.

Soon afterwards, the Catholics who had witnessed the debate were all around their priest to ask him what had happened.  Fr. Pat explained, First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.  He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still One God, a belief common to both our religions….Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us, and by Jesus leading us to Heaven. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us on the earth and that most things in the above and beyond still lay hidden…. then, I showed him how a shamrock has three parts to one plant, showing how God is Trinity, yet he quickly showed me how God was called in Scripture as the single Rose of Sharon, and that the rose’s thorn was for the long-suffering of Messianic faith…. then,
I pulled out the unconsecrated bread and wine to show that the Sacraments unveil mysteries from Heaven to unite us ahead to God the Father to His banquet table.  But Rabbi Benji pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin, and that Adam was probably the first Jew, never ever a Catholic, and how Adam probably didn’t comprehend a Trinity God.  
Father Pat surmised: This rabbi had an answer for everything. What could I do?
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Rabbi Benji.
What happened? they asked.Well, said Bengi, First he said to me that the Jews had three hours to get out of here. I told him that not even one of us was leaving. 

Then he told me that this whole city would be soon filled with Catholics in worship, not us.  I let him know that, no, we were staying right here.
And then Reverend Pat pointed to a plant in the room, and who knows why (?) –so I just looked around the room and saw a rose in a vase on the table in there.  I just pointed to it for no particular reason, outside that it too was a plant… I don’t know….

One of the synagogue members then asked about the bread and wine and apple symbolism, if there was some deep meaning to it.  Rabbi Benji explained how it was no big deal: 
He pulled out his lunch, and so did I, then! ….  I was surprised that he stopped our debate so soon– I guess he was eager to go and eat his lunch! ….So we won the debate and we get the interfaith worship center space for that extra time on that Saturday ahead!

Religious Cartoon

From the comics today.    Speed Bump.

A bunch of people are sitting on clouds and with white robes on.  They all appear to have been waiting awhile there, as they look at a “loading” message up in the sky above them, resembling a computer symbol.    IMAG1330_1_1

A character says: “It’s not exactly how I pictured Purgatory, either.”

Funny.n

Jokes St. Joseph could have told. Funny St. Joe stuff. Maybe.

Jokes

1.  They asked me, “Joseph, when did your son Jesus first take an interest in carpentry work?”  I, Joseph, answered: “It was very early on.”  “How early, like when he was 12?” they asked.  I, Joe, replied:  “Just weeks after Jesus’ 40th day of life and his blessing of presentation in the Temple, our family moved hastily to Africa.  It was there where and when I decided to build him a crib, using rare Egyptian wood.  I was half-way through finished making it, when I left the tools and materials down, to get to it the next day, but that next morning, I saw that Jesus had awoken overnight and finished it Himself!… that’s when I knew he’d surely want to become a carpenter!”

Ok, folks, it’s just a joke!   Really!

2.   Joseph was an expert carpenter, and was training Jesus in his trade.  He said, “Now, don’t be like those two silly carpenters working over there on that house across the way.”  Jesus asked:  “Why not?”  Joseph said, “Excuse me for saying it so, but it’s because they are not too bright.  I was listening to one of them who was nailing down a wall for a house, and each time he would reach into his nail pouch, to pull out a nail, I would see him, then, either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.”  Jesus asked, “Well, why was he throwing those nails away?”   Joseph explained, “The first guy thought they if he pulled a nail out of his pouch and it was pointed towards him, that it was defective!  So he’d toss it away!  Heh!  Yet if the nail was pointing away, then he’d nail it in.”   Jesus asked, “Well, why didn’t the second carpenter on the project tell him he was mistaken?”  Joseph explained:   “I know, but listen to this: The second carpenter was overheard saying to the first:  ‘Dummy, those nails which are pointed away aren’t defective, nor to be thrown away! They’re for the other side of the house!'”

Smile.   Hey, unless the Lord build the house, the builders labor in vain, anyway, right?

3.  Continuing, Jesus said:  Their carpentry business is not going to do well, is it?  Joseph said: I am afraid not.  Just yesterday I heard how one of them silly guys went to the lumber yard and he asked the seller there if he could have twenty four-by-two’s.  The seller corrected him, “You mean two-by-fours—that’s how we call ‘em.  Now, how long do you want them?”    The silly carpenter said:  “How long?  Well…. I guess, ‘er, that we’d like to keep them after buying them, sir, as they are going onto a fence.  🙂   We don’t want any loaner wood.”  (Jesus groans.)  Joseph adds: “Of course, two-by-fours also have length, as you know, son!  So I don’t know about those silly neighbor carpenters!”

Riddles/Questions

A.  If Joseph hits his thumb with a hammer, then what does he take for the pain?        B.  When Joseph fled with the Holy Family to Egypt, what transpo might have he used? C.  What American cities might be this saint’s favorites?   D. What university is his favorite?  E.  What mistaken occupation did a bad Bible translater give to Joseph?       F. What is St. Joseph’s favorite pop song?   G. What did Joseph use to stay awake all night on that special Dec. 25th?

It happened at St. Joseph’s parish

Little Andy was restless at Mass, as St. Joseph’s 11 a.m. Sunday Mass was going now past 12:30 p.m., in Communion time.   Walking up with his dad in the Communion line, for a blessing tap on the head, Andy saw the Sanctuary Light in its lamp up near the tabernacle.   He looked up innocently at the priest, and asked:  “Father, when that light over there turns green, then can we all go home?!”

Former pastor Monsignor Robinson had reached 99 years old, but was now failing on this Lord’s Day, likely his last.  This Josephite parish happened to have a dairy farm connected to it.  Msgr.’s final request after last rites was to drink some fresh milk from one of the cows.  As a favor, young cleric Johnson, knowing that monsignor liked a nightcap on Sunday nights, put a little whiskey into the milk.  Monsignor drank up.   Getting ready to close his eyes, the young cleric requested some parting advice from his senior.  Then, Monsignor beckoned him close, and whispered some final advice to him:  “Fr. Johnson, don’t ever sell the cow that gave out this delicious milk!”

Riddles/Questions Answers    A.  St. Joseph’s Aspirin (lots of them!)    B. Cara-van.    C.  Toss up between St. Joseph’s, Missouri and Nazareth, KY or Nazareth, PA or Bethlehem, PA.   (Maryville, OH he also likes.)    D.  St. Joseph University, Philadelphia.   E.  Mistakenly called him a car-painter.   F.  “Do you know the way (to) San Jose?”   G. Cup-a-Joe 

Unscramble the Letters to discover a famous saint’s name of the month of March

O S E P H J        ________________

Religious Orders

A Dominican, a Jesuit, a Josephite, and a Trappist

A Dominican, a Jesuit, a Josephite, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. But they met an angel flying by, who came to these religious and said, “Quickly, I can grant you all one prayer answered, then I must leave.”  The Dominican quickly spoke up, “Get me out of here and into a church assignment to preach in one of the finest Cathedral churches of my language in the world.”  Poof, he was gone.  The Jesuit chirped in fast after that:  “I’d like to be sent to a great Jesuit University with a fine library and a special teaching position.”  Poof, he was gone.   The Josephite humbly deferred to the Trappist to make his choice, but the Trappist said: “No, you first.”  The Josephite said to the angel, “I’d like to be sent to a big active urban parish with a large Black Catholic population.”  Poof!  Off he went, so the angel asked the final religious priest, “Now, humble man, what would you request? I’ll grant all your wishes and prayers, since you waited ’til last.”  The Trappist said:  “Oh no, I’m good!  I’ve already got what I basically want right here, deserted on this island!”  The angel was really surprised, so the Trappist said:  “Hey, I’m a Contemplative Monk, remember?!  Ok, just leave me a first aid kit, a tent, a stove and fuel, some prayer books, Catholic classic books and a Bible, and a fishing pole, thank you!”

Rel. Ed. classes

Covering the basic Catholic feast days, the catechist asked:  “What was the Annunciation?”  Billy’s answer:  When Mary became a nun.   Fiona’s answer:  When Joseph explained clearly and slowly to Mary his name and his job.    Celeste’s answer:  When Joseph found out angels were bringing a baby secretly to Mary, his girlfriend!

The catechist asked:  What, then, is the Nativity?     Jimbo’s answer:  I’m not sure, has it got something to do with the Nat’s spring training baseball?  Nat-tivity!   Pervis’ answer:  It’s a lack of activity, as like with sleeping cherubs.   Pedro’s answer:  It’s some kind of secret code word for Christmas, a little like saying X-mas or Navidad.

Why did Joseph go to Bethlehem with Mary?   Bennie’s answer:  He didn’t want his family to miss Christmas.    Wynne’s answer:  He was going to register to vote, I think, but you can do that online now.   Pete’s answer:  He went because of taxes, or tuxes, or tickets or something that sounds like that.    Adriana’s answer:  It was their honeymoon.

What is the Holy Family’s Flight into Egypt?   Welford’s answer:  I ‘dunno, because ‘dey didn’t have no jets or planes in ‘dose Bible days of Jesus, Mary and Joe.  Just donkeys. Pierra’s retort:   Perhaps they took Delta, because it was in Egypt even in Moses’ time!

Why did Mary and Joseph take Jesus to the Temple for the Presentation Mystery?   Seamus’ answer:  Because they couldn’t find a babysitter?

HAD ENOUGH?!!

th131IG1CFA Josephite priest dies, goes to Heaven, tells an angel on the way that he’d just love to see Joseph. He’s taken to a little mansion, and out its front door comes a person to greet him.  The priest inquires:  “Joseph, of the Holy Family?!!  My holy model?!!” The man in white robes and sandals responds:  “What?!” The priest asks again:”Are you not Joseph of Nazareth, holy saint, married to Mary, and fill-in papa to Jesus?!”  The saintly-looking man smiles and says: “No, it’s Joe, from Newark, New Jersey.   Air traffic controller, member of Sacred Heart Cathedral.  Newly arrived.” The priest looks at the angel, who says to him:  “You’ve got to be more specific, Father–there’s a lot of holy Joes up here.”

Hey, what does the former pope have for breakfast each day?   Eggs Benedict.

‘Yep. I’ve got a million of them!   I’m here thru’ Thursday. Try the meatloaf sandwich!  Best on the menu!

Hey–is it raining hard outside?   Do you need a boat, or Ark? Because I Noah guy…

Hook.

 

‘Looking for a sign?

Maybe you thought I might have pointers here on receiving signs from God…  Well, in that department, I would start with fully recognizing and experiencing God in the Sacraments of the Church.   They are saving signs of supreme good.

Now, in having an amusing time here, about earthly signs (yes, actually public signs), here’s a few that I think are funny ones.   imagesX739BVGFfunny-signs-gas-station-wallingford-chevron-seattle-propane-thumbimages1Z3S0FF5images2G64XAIFimagesimagesee imagesCH7UKHB1

Super Bowl Jokes

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Pack Not Out of Super Bowl                                  Even though the Green Bay Packers lost on national TV in the NFL playoffs to the Atlanta Falcons, it turns out that in Jimmie Dwayne Frubowkowski’ s X Box game in Kenosha, Wisconsin, that Green Bay actually BEAT the Atlanta Falcons 29-7 and WILL actually play the N.E. Patriots this Sunday in his XBox Super Bowl.  I am glad that somewhere and somehow my Packers team got to the big game ( even if only in Jimmie’s gameroom).                                                                                                                      Super Bowl Geograohy

In Geography class, the teacher told the students that the first three to get right answers to her questions would get a pass on homework that night.   She asked:  “Where is the Golden Gate Bridge?”   Quickly, one student’s hand shot up and they answered:  “It’s in San Francisco, California.”  “Correct! No homework for you.  Now, # 2, where in the country is Mount Rushmore?”  After a short delay, a hand went up:   “Mam,’ it’s in the state of South Dakota.”  “Yes, you’re right.  No homework for you.”  “Lastly, #3, where is New England?   A confident student wearing a blue-and-red jersey had his hand immediately up.  He answered:  “New England is most definitely in the South.”  The teacher said, “‘Sorry that’s wrong!”  The student replied:  “‘Wait a second. You asked where New England was—right?”  The teacher said: “Yes.”  He asked aloud to the whole class: “Isn’t New England in the Super Bowl and playing  in Houston Texas, which is in The South?!.”   The class agreed. He said:  “Exactly!  So is New England currently in the South? Go Patriots!”  “Ok, no homework for you, son,” his teacher said.

Space Jam

A man overhears two people talking about the Space Program, while lunching the day before Super Bowl 51 at a bar in Houston.  One has asked: “What if NASA could find a way to populate the moon?  Who would we send?”  In the corner, a guy with a Falcons jersey says without hesitation:  “How about we send Tom Brady and all the Patriots and all their fans there?!  That’d be NASA’s greatest feat!  And make it a one-way trip!”

Worst Player                                                                                                                                                  Somebody asked an expert NFL analyst:  “Who do you think will be the worst person playing on the field this Sunday at this Super Bowl?”  He quickly retorted: Oh ,THE worst one playing on that field will definitely be Lady Gaga of the half-time show (!).  Just awful expectations THERE.  Don’t the Atlanta Falcons have a band or something to fill the spot?!”

Super Bowl Coffee                                                                                                                                                            In Houston, there is a fancy coffee shop, where they aim to please and so they do all the work behind their counter. A fan in line has noted from orders ahead in line how the shop has run out of half-and-half and now only has milk for orders.  In his turn to order, this Falcons fan tells the barista “I’d like a Grande cup of your regular coffee, please, and just black, so without any of that half-and-half. ”   The barista says:  “What?!  I’m sorry. We are out of half-and-half, sir.”  “I know, he answers, “it’s why I said what I did.” ” The Barista says:  “we’re all out of half and half.”  The Falcons fan rolls his eyes and says:  “Ok, then, I’ll have the black coffee without milk, then.”   The barista says:  “Coffee without milk, yes, we can do that!  ‘Coming right up. “

Hiccups                                                                                                                                                         It’s kick-off time, but a 64-year-old lady in the stands at the Super Bowl is hiccupping hysterically.  Attendants take her to the stadium medical office to be seen by a doctor.  After a minute into the private examination, a screech is heard from the examination room, and then the lady bursts out of the room as if in looking in complete shock.  The attendants asks her:  “Are you ok?  Did the hiccups go away?”  Startled, she says: “Why, as a matter of fact, it has!”  Then the doctor comes out, saying:  ” I don’t know how to stop hiccups, so I just examined her briefly and told her she was pregnant.  That shook her up enough for a cure!” The doctor wrote her a bill for $100, handed it to her, and said:  “All better!  Now go enjoy the game!  And, no, you’re not pregnant!”

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Top Ten Things I Know About You

Ten Things I know about you

1) You are reading this.     2) You are human. 3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.     4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself.   7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.   8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.   9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.   10) You are living and breathing and fine with the art of being alive.

imag0699_1So, go ahead, smile, and take a selfie of your lovely face!

Now for something completely different!

For something totally different for my blog, here comes a vocabulary builder! Here is a sentence for you with two new big words, both of which I’ve heard spoken in telecasts:

When I went vacationing to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery-chwyrndrobwilllantysllogogogochh, I strangely became afflicted with Pneumono-ultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

The town name IS a real village in Wales, on an island, across the strait from Bangor. It has 58 letters. I heard it pronounced on a BBC weathercast. The word for the odd illness came up in a televised spelling bee, and the quizzed kid actually knew it.

The affliction that poor tourist got (in our make-believe vacation) is a malady from one’s breathing-in tiny volcanic dust. It’s a real word in the Oxford Dictionary, but we would say it WAS quite strange how he got it in Wales, as it means that it came from ashes swept across the earth from some active volcano. ‘Poor luck, laddie! And on your vacation, even!

Now, as an added bonus to this surprise blog, I will help you to pronounce the name of that Wales village and the malady. The lesson is below. I will also tell you something of that village….

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery-chwyrndrobwilllantysllogogogochh
• LLAN – Like the word clan, but start it as a double-l pronunciation with your tongue staying behind the top teeth.

• FAIR – Vire. Say it like the word “fire” but with a “v”

• PWLL – Puh—wull.— it’s almost the word pull. But Pw-ull. (Keep the tongue in place for the ll’s!)

• GWYN – Like the girl’s name Gwynetthe but without the etthe part.

• GYLL – It sound like the fishy word “gill” but finished it choppy on the two ll’s (Tongue in place!)

• GO – Pronounce “go” as in the start of the word “gone”

• GER – Gare. • YCH – Yock. . • WYRN – Win.

• DROB – Say the words “draw” and “ebb” as one word: drawb

• WLL – Uhl. (As in dull, without the d)

• LLAN – Like clan, but start it as a double-l pronounciation with your tongue staying behind top teeth.

• TY – Pronounce this as you would the “t” in “twig”. ( It’s the tw without the ig.)

• SILIO – Just say “silly – ah”.

• GO – • GO – Like a baby saying Gaga. But it’s more like goh-goh

• GOCH – Gock.

Pneumono-ultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
• PNEUMO— NEW Mow (like in a first grass cut)

• NOULTRA– No UL tra

• MICROSCOPIC—My crow SCOP ick

• SILICO— SILLY coe

• VOLCANO – Volcano

• CONIOSIS– Coney OH sis

Now that you have THAT all straight, you might wonder how the Llanfair village got its name. Translated, it means: “Saint Mary’s Church in the hollow of the white hazel near the rapid whirlpool and the Church of Saint Tysilio of the red cave”. Llanfair means Church of Mary… and it being near a rapid whirlpool probably has made for some exciting baptisms. And, at the end of the word the Ogo coch means Red Cave. And, who was St. Tysilio? I don’t have the foggiest idea!